Day +94

Wow, I think I just set some sort of record for how quickly I posted another blog after the last one. Must be getting better at this. ;-) I thought I would snag my last chance to write a blog from the Utah area; from here on out there is nothing but packing, doctor's appointments, people visiting, surgeries, loading trucks, and so on and so forth. My sister, Jen, is staying with me for a few days until Colten comes back, and then we have got to pack and load like crazy! Most of the house is already packed up and ready, but there are always a few last boxes that can't be packed and sealed until right before you go. Thankfully, we had the foresight to bring as little as possible, so the job is not as large as it could have been (and it gives me something to do with my time, so I am grateful for that).

As far as the transplant goes I have one last doctor's appointment on Wednesday that is actually a typical "clinic visit," and then I have a 100 day review on Thursday and I GET MY LINE REMOVED!!!!!!!!! Wait, sorry, you might not have seen that:  I GET MY LINE REMOVED!!!!!!!!! WAHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Alright, got that out of my system. I keep imagining what it will feel like, but I have honestly had it so long I just can't even fathom how wonderful it will be not having something hanging out of my body that cannot get wet, gets yanked on constantly (OW), is always poking weirdly out into my shirts (gaining me more strange looks than I care to think about), the list goes on. THANK GOODNESS!

I have developed a rash over the past couple of weeks, so my doctors are freaking out a little bit. We will see how much they are really freaking out on Wednesday since the rash has gotten a little worse rather than improved. :-( Here is hoping they don't give us too hard of a time about it, and that it does not lead to a much worse form of GVHD. Having just a simple rash (as itchy as it may be) is good, good, good. So, to sum up, line removed, slight rash, going home this weekend, wahoo! :-)

I am very excited to finally be going back to Idaho. I am also very sad to be leaving Utah. I have truly fallen in love with the area. Whenever I look around at the slowly emptying apartment, or hear my voice echo off the bare walls, I can't help but feel a pang that it is almost over. I remember when my mother-in-law and brother-in-law helped us move in to our apartment. A ton of Colten's family showed up to help, but Laurie and Cody were the last ones to leave. It was all I could do not to attach myself to one of their legs and refuse to let them leave--or force them to take me, too. I was so sad to have to stay in our foreign apartment, in a new, huge city full of places and people I did not know. Now? It is all I can do not to attach myself to a door or the kitchen counter and refuse to leave. ;-) I just love it. I like the apartment complex where we live (with a perfectly manicured lawn I don't have to take care of), the pool that Rorie can swim in every day, the people here (they are just so NICE), and the whole culture of our little city (vegetarian options and organic food/supplement stores EVERYWHERE!). Unfortunately, Idaho is very much a meat and potatoes sort of state. For a lady who is not such a big fan of meat, and one who would love to live more naturally, being in a state where everyone eats meat and there are almost no natural grocers because nobody gives a dang, I don't mesh well with the culture. But most of all, I will miss my mountains. And yes, I said mine. :-) They are right there as soon as you walk out our door, visible from all the places we drive on the highway, and lately they have been shrouded in wispy clouds every day as it rains. They could not be more beautiful! We are so richly blessed to have been in such an amazing place while undergoing this whole deal, and oh how I am going to miss it.

Well, I think that is all I have to say about life here in Utah. It has been hard, and scary, and sad, and life-changing, and empowering, and wonderful. My heart breaks the more I write about it ending, and so I don't think I will write anymore. Instead, I will just allow myself to feel the emotions, cherish the memories, and move on to whatever life is going to throw me next.

Now, I know you thought you got out of this easy and had a quick blog this time, but let's face it, that's just not my style. :-) I have been feeling more and more depressed as time goes on, and this week I seem to have had a number of wake-up calls. First, my Aunt Becky sent me a video of an amazing woman who had beat cancer (of various kinds) three times. Now, that is not an entirely unique story, lot's of people have managed to do the same, though it is never (by any means) a small feat. What was amazing was the fact that she had also lost her daughter to a brain tumor. When she revealed that in her speech, I was struck thoughtless because I never would have guessed she had experienced such a devastating ordeal based upon her joy and determination to live her life. She said something that stuck with me, something that I will remember forever. She said, "Most people think the worst words you could ever hear are, 'You have cancer.' They are wrong. The worst words you can ever hear are, 'Your child has cancer.'" There has never been a truer statement made. And it made me think: I am so, so lucky. I have cancer. Terminal cancer. So what?! My daughter is healthy, happy, and HERE. Yes, my life has not been cake and cookies lately, or really at all the past ten years. And, as my beautiful big sis (Jess) told me, I have a right to feel bad, and go through whatever emotions that brings up. But, I should never feel so down that I can't remember how lucky I still am, and how many blessings I am given every day.

I see my little girl every day, but I really watched her this week, and I realized that she is one of the happiest people I have ever met. Why? Well, I wanted to know that, too. So I have been trying to live life through her eyes, and there are some things my daughter has taught me, and the Rora Moments for today:

1. To see only beautiful things. This one has a back story. My husband has been working his tail off to get our house ready for me to come home, and he had to finish up our new kitchen, as well as get everything put back together and clean the whole house. I ended up seeing the house before he got everything done for just a brief spell, and I was pretty downhearted at how it looked and everything that needed to be done. Alright, call it downhearted or outright upset. I left my house pristinely clean at the beginning of the summer, and went back to the remains of a tornado ripping through. But our new counter tops and cupboards were up, and the back splash that Colten and Cody had spent days on was done. Did I see it? No. I just saw the mess. My daughter? My daughter did not notice that one single thing was out of the place. She just walked right up to her daddy exclaimed, "Daddy! I LOVE our new kitchen! I love the cupboards! I love the flowers! (in the back splash)" She then proceeded to grab me and force me over to look very closely at every flower on the tiles.

2. Nothing is better than playing games as a family. And we did it most nights, ALL summer.

3. Eat simple food. It always tastes good, takes less time to cook, and everybody is happy.

4. Anytime of day is appropriate for chocolate, and there is absolutely no reason to have a favorite candy "because all candy is good." :-)

5. Going to bed early is very overrated, unless you have to get up early, too.

6. The value of anything is truly the value that you assign it. This one also has a back story. We have decided to start having Rorie do some small chores around the house for an equally small allowance of 50 cents a week. While negotiating the amount of her allowance, it was impossible to get her to understand that quarters were worth more than pennies. All she wanted was pennies. Why? Because she likes the beautiful copper color. I explained to her that it would take 25 pennies to make one quarter, and even had her count it out, but she still prefers pennies.

7. Any object can be fun or entertaining. Heck, you don't even need an object, just an imagination.

8. Dressing comfortably is more important than dressing fashionably.

9. Never judge a person by their appearance, after all, all men are handsome and all women are beautiful (the same girl who judges a penny more beautiful than a quarter never bothers to judge another person, period).

10. Laughter is really contagious.

11. My house can be anything (from a distant world on another planet, to a large cave where we hide from and chase dragons) and so is wonderful, and my personal castle.

12. Space is not a necessity for happiness (physically or square footage wise).

13. You can dance to any kind of music anywhere, even if that music is something only you can hear in your own head.

14. Consequently, you can also make up a song about anything and sing it (loudly) anytime and anywhere.

15. A cuddle, kiss, and hug can make any day better. But, if all else fails, a good cry will always restart a bad day and make it a good one.

16. Learning is wonderful and should be done daily in fun ways (asking "why?" is always a good way to start this process).

17. Forgive always, and quickly.

18. Books with pictures are not only fun, but often beautiful. And, there are some cartoons that are just plain hilarious (see Ultimate Spiderman).

19. Cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and any other family members, should be seen on a regular basis because they are fun and we love them.

20. And, finally, God is loving and amazing (after all, He gave us butterflies and hummingbirds).


One last thing to hold onto,  probably familiar to many from the movie Invictus:

Out of the night that covers me, 
Black as the pit from pole to pole, 
I thank whatever gods may be 
For my unconquerable soul. 
 
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud. 
Under the bludgeonings of chance 
My head is bloody, but unbowed.


Beyond this place of wrath and tears 
Looms but the horror of the shade, 
And yet the menace of the years 
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate, 
How charged with punishments the scroll, 
I am the master of my fate: 
I am the captain of my soul. 

~William Ernest Henley